Mum Knows Best
When a journalist asked me for my professional opinion regarding a post on Mumsnet that went viral, I took a look and then hammered down on my keyboard, eagerly responding with a very passionate YES!
You can see the post below, it touched me on both a personal and professional level and I saw it as an opportunity to share some of what I have learned about attachment, boundaries and unmet needs from being a psychotherapist working in attachment and trauma.
You will find the link to the article written in Newsweek below and also my full response in bullet points - I’m so passionate about this very basic information which is not taught to us about relationships. I hope you find it useful.
Mumsnet article taken from mumsnet.com
If you’re interested to read the Newsweek article, you can do so here and below is my complete response to the above article answering
Is it common for families to have fall-outs over a new baby?
How can new grandparents respect boundaries of new parents?
How can new parents express their wishes without causing upset?
I think it's only fair to state my position as a mother of two as well as a psychotherapist working in the areas of attachment and trauma. This feels important to be transparent around as I have encountered the pressures mothers face to parent particular ways, ways that can meet the need of someone else closely connected, or society, and not the mother or the children themselves. For the purpose of this article, I’m allowing my own experiences to shape my answer, together with my clinical thinking.
I can not comment if it is common for families to have fall-outs, as I have no evidence to support or oppose this idea, however I think it would be understandable that fall-outs happen as there can be so much emotion invested in new babies. The mother often has a wild array of emotions that can interchange quickly and whilst it would be ideal that family and friends create space for all the mother's feelings to be held and validated - their own emotions can get in the way of this. It's part of the human condition - if people have strong emotions and needs around a baby for example, and those needs and feelings are out of their awareness (which in today's world they often are) then they are less equipped to manage them with balance; this could easily result in over entitlement, of the baby - to meet their own needs, which as I say, are often out of awareness.
Ideally, grandparents need to listen and respect boundaries by checking things out, not assuming, directing or pushing their own experiences and beliefs onto a mother and their baby - regardless of intention. If it's not asked for, then assume it is not needed. If they feel a pull to do something, then reach out and ask if it would be helpful. This kind of stuff works best when explicit communication is used i.e. "I feel such love for this baby and I remember how hard it was when mine was this age, but I know this is your experience and not mine, so I'm going to give you space but please know that my distance isn't me abandoning you, I'm here if you need to talk or need a break, but I don't want to take over or assume." The explicit communication works both ways, but we know that emotion and experiences in attachment from their own childhood etc, can impact how possible this feels; we're human and this stuff can read as easy but it can actually be incredibly difficult to do.
When considering how parents can express their wishes without causing upset, I think the most important thing here, is that they are not necessarily responsible for causing the upset. The parent is responsible for judging their own needs and their own moral compass - if they communicate boundaries gently and with respect then their conscience can be clear, but it does not guarantee that it will land well with the other person. If the person doesn't want the boundary to be held, they are going to have a negative response to it, that's their stuff, not the responsibility of the parents. It brings back the notion of the person's emotions and needs - if they are thwarted and it's all out of awareness, the likelihood is, that there will be some negative backlash.
Boundaries are so incredibly important if we are to stay well, especially when someone has had a new baby. We are all entitled, regardless of position, gender, race, experience - we're all entitled full stop, to have our boundaries, to take care of our needs, our health and make choices about how we bring up our children, so long as our choices are not causing harm to anyone.
This is so important - The Mum in the Mumsnet post is her baby's advocate, her voice speaks for her baby. Their nervous systems are entwined in a way that only mother and baby's are, no-one will sense the need of her baby like she does, because they did not carry it. Any discomfort the Mum feels will be communicated to the nervous system of the child - we're not taught this but it's neuro-biology and it's important. I do not believe this Mum should go along with anything she does not feel comfortable with, instead, stay true to herself and her baby. This will positively impact her own health and that of her baby, it will teach her baby and people around her that she values her needs, we learn this way, her baby learns this way - I can't emphasise this enough.
If you’re able to take anything from reading this, I hope you take back your entitlement to know what’s best for you, and for your baby if you are a parent.